


i cried tears you will never see

by TrenchWarfare



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst with a Happy Ending, Axel is just really sad okay, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, We all watched the TGS trailer and it's canon that he's a sad bitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-14 06:05:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16034528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrenchWarfare/pseuds/TrenchWarfare
Summary: It wasn’t actually a conscious decision that led to Axel’s self destruction. For once, he hadn’t been thinking about himself, but instead he thought of Sora, of the precious cargo in Sora’s heart, and he had let himself go without a hint of remorse.-Or, 5 times Axel cried because he was sad, and 1 time he cried for a different reason.





	i cried tears you will never see

**Author's Note:**

> This is essentially just a character study about Axel and his various friendships that I thought of and decided I absolutely had to write immediately. Go watch the TGS trailer it emotionally compromised me.

1.

If asked at the time, Lea would have vehemently denied ever crying in his life. He had a reputation to uphold as kind of a badass in Radiant Garden, okay? And it doesn’t matter what anyone else might say -  _ Isa  _ \- Lea is not, and never has been a crybaby. 

Okay, the truth is, that when Lea was a kid, before… Before. He had been a bit… overemotional. Sure, he was good at putting on a brave face, because if there was anything Lea learned early on, it was that people’s perceptions of him are more important than his actual character, and no one respects someone whose personality includes as many breakdowns as he was prone to having. 

The point is, that Lea cried a lot when he was younger, but all of those occasions, all of those tears just kind of blurred together. None of the emotions, none of the breakdowns, really stood out to him. None of them were important.

At least not until the day he and Isa snuck into the castle. That entire day was etched starkly in his mind - he got it memorized, if you will. Lea had gone over the events, his and Isa’s actions, again and again, wondering if they would have taken a left turn instead of a right, if they had worn darker clothes, if they could have done something,  _ anything,  _ different to avoid getting caught, or if their fate had been set since the beginning. 

It wasn’t a particularly healthy habit, he would admit that, but Lea was nothing if not unhealthy. 

When they had been captured, Lea had actually managed to hold himself together, despite the  _ fearanxietyguilt _ spiraling in his gut. He even managed not to visibly freak out when Ansem leveled the oddly shaped weapon at Isa. 

His resolve started to crack first at the flash of light, then it splintered at the yell - and to this day, Lea wasn’t sure if it had been Isa or himself who screamed - then Isa was just gone. 

At first, Lea couldn’t blink past the particles of light obscuring his vision enough to figure out that the only person who mattered in his life was no more. Then, he couldn’t blink away the tears that welled up when he looked around in a panic and couldn’t see Isa anywhere. 

“What did you do to him?” Lea had demanded, and he wasn’t even bothering to hide his emotion, didn’t think he could if he tried, because the only thing that mattered was that  _ Isa was gone _ and Lea was so, so empty and the sobs choking him didn’t seem to be that much of a problem in comparison. 

Braig shot a look at Ansem and said, “Are you sure this one’s even worth the effort?”

“We can always use more dusks if he proves ineffectual,” Ansem shrugged, his voice lofty, as though they were merely discussing the weather. He pointed the weapon at Lea’s chest, and that was the last time Lea cried for a very long time. 

2.

Though he had wanted to, Axel didn’t cry when Roxas walked away from him and the Organization. Later, his eyes burned treacherously when Axel received orders to exterminate Roxas, but still, no tears were shed.

Nobodies aren’t supposed to feel things like this, and for the longest time Axel believed that. He truly thought that emotions were a thing of the past, which, on one hand had been a blessing when he and Saix had been working together behind the Organization’s back and discretion had been paramount, but on the other… The distance between them had never been greater, and Axel couldn’t help but think longingly of their days in Radiant Garden. 

Roxas brought out a different side of him though, and sometimes, like when he watched Roxas leave, Axel thought maybe, just maybe, he did have a heart. And yet, tears continued to be a thing of the past until…

“Let’s meet again in the next life,” Axel didn’t know why he said that. He was going to be dusked as soon as he finished teleporting, and after that there’s no existence for him to be had. But, he thought that maybe Roxas needed that last bit of comfort, and the way Roxas’s eyes softened made Axel’s chest feel lighter than it had in ages. 

“Yeah, I’ll be waiting.” 

And Axel sighed, a terrible broken release of tension, “Silly,” he said, cracking one last smile for the kid who made the past year bearable, “Just because you have a next life…” Because Axel is petty, and even though he owed so much to Roxas, he wanted him, just for a moment, to understand Axel’s pain. 

And still, Axel kept it together until…

Riku was waiting for him when Axel stepped out of the corridor of darkness at the peak of Sunset Hill. Namin é was at his side, and Riku’s stance made it clear that Axel wasn’t going anywhere. Not that there was anywhere for him to go. 

Then it all hit him; the crushing realization that he would never see Roxas again, that Isa had been gone for a while and Saix just wasn’t the same, that he was homeless and a wanted man. 

And Axel quickly turned to stare directly into the sunset, a sight that sent a pang through his chest, so he could blame it for his watery eyes. 

3.

It wasn’t actually a conscious decision that led to Axel’s self destruction. For once, he hadn’t been thinking about himself, but instead he thought of Sora, of the precious cargo in Sora’s heart, and he had let himself go without a hint of remorse. 

Death? Fading away? Whatever it was called was less painful than Axel expected, and when he smiled at Sora it was genuine. He was sad, of course he was, but he came to terms with the fact that he wouldn’t see Roxas again by now, so he was able to embrace nonexistence with no regrets. And who knows? Maybe not existing would be easier than lugging around all of these emotions. 

But to his surprise, he woke up, and he almost broke when he saw the sunset laid out in front of him. But there was something… Something about the quality of the air, the way the light shimmered at the edges of his vision, and Axel realized that this is temporary. 

Then he looked down, and he saw Roxas curled up near his feet, looking fast asleep, and,  _ god,  _ Axel couldn’t believe how lucky he was to see him one last time. He could only hope, desperately, that Roxas would wake up before they were ejected from this space.

Soon, Roxas’s eyes opened, and Axel was so elated, he didn’t even have to fake the lightness in his voice as he struck up the last conversation he would have. 

The lightness lasted impossibly long, even the jealousy that raged when Roxas mentioned Hayner, Pence, and Olette didn’t dim it, but everything has an end, and Axel’s good mood crashed and burned when Roxas opened his mouth and said, “Well. I should go.”

And Axel understood, of course. Sora needed Roxas, who cared if Axel needed him too? Axel wasn’t going to exist for very much longer and he should feel grateful for even this short reunion. 

Axel turned away, taking a huge bite of his ice cream in an attempt to hold back the tears that were threatening to well up. And he almost succeeded, up until the very last second, as he faded away for good he felt a teardrop burn its way down his face.

4.

Lea didn’t expect to wake up. He didn’t expect to  _ expect things  _ anymore. And he definitely didn’t expect to run into Isa when he joined Riku and Mickey on their whole Saving Sora Quest. (Which, to be fair, he practically begged to join, because he couldn’t just sit back and let Sora die.)

But it wasn’t Isa. No, that was Saix. Or, whatever was left of Saix. Lea’s heart broke, and he suddenly remembered why a heart was such a burden as his eyes burned with unshed tears. 

Lea grit his teeth and pushed his emotions aside for the moment, because he wasn’t going to lose Roxas - or Sora - over something as silly as emotions. 

Later though, when they’re all back in Yen Sid’s tower, and Sora has awoken and promptly celebrated with Donald and Goofy while Riku slept on. Lea allowed himself to cry, just a little, while no one watched, because he never really got a chance to really grieve for Isa until then.

5.

It was a stupid, really, but Lea had a lot of problems being around Sora. He was just so much like Roxas, but also so different, and lately, with the search for Roxas being at a standstill, Sora’s… everything… was a little too much to bear. 

Lea knew that Sora didn’t realize. He was oblivious at the best of times, a trait that Lea was thankful for, because where Sora was oblivious Roxas had been shrewd. And the differences, no matter how small, make everything just a little easier. 

They would get Roxas back, everyone seemed sure of it, but doubt has been making itself a viable candidate for Lea’s vacant best friend space. He tried not to let it overwhelm him, but it gets harder every time Sora returns sans Roxas. 

Sometimes Lea found himself forgetting that Sora wasn’t Roxas, and the fallout from that threatened to break him every time it happened. 

Usually it was just a look, an indignant, furious expression that was so Roxas that Lea had to laugh despite the ache in his chest. But sometimes, Sora would ask something, a question so sincere, but clueless, that Lea’s mind immediately filled in Roxas’s face, his voice, the clocktower, and he would turn and-

And he would crash back into reality. It was only a matter of time before he collapsed. 

And of course that would happen when he had an audience. Something about Kairi always put him on edge, and he didn’t think it had to do with the whole attempted kidnapping to turn Sora into a heartless thing. He liked her a lot, in fact they bonded over training, but still, there was an itch in the back of his mind every time he looked at her face too closely. 

He thought maybe that was why when after Sora asked some innocuous question, he turned to see Sora and Kairi sitting together, when he expected Roxas and -  _ and _ ? And what? - Lea broke. 

Sora looked at Kairi, face betraying his panic, and Kairi rushed to Lea’s side, throwing her arm around his shoulder. Lea didn’t know when the last time he was offered physical comfort like this was, but he wasn’t going to take it for granted. He buried his face in Kairi’s hood and let himself show them his weakness. 

-1.

It was midsummer, and Axel felt gutted, and he wasn’t sure why. There were tears on his face that he didn’t remember crying, and an ache in his chest that he was sure wasn’t there before. 

And before he can dwell on it too long, the moment was over, and Axel didn’t know why his face was wet. Maybe it was raining a bit? Or perhaps Demyx was lurking in a corner and playing tricks again. He didn’t think more about it after that. It wasn’t important.

+1. 

Lea hadn’t exactly lost hope, but he was shocked when one of their plans actually,  _ finally,  _ worked. 

There wasn’t a single force in the universe that could hold back Lea’s sobs when he saw Sora come back, flanked by Roxas  _ and Xion.  _ And, god, how could he forget about Xion? 

Lea didn’t realize he was running towards them until they met him in the middle, and all three of them collided in a mess of limbs and tears. Lea couldn’t believe he was really holding them, and he had to keep pulling back to look at them through tear-soaked eyes to make sure that it was actually them, and laughing at the realization that it was.

“I am never letting either of you out of my sight again,” Lea said, his voice rasping around the words. And he wasn’t self conscious about either of them, or Sora or his friends, seeing his feelings so plain on his face, because they’ve all helped him realize that emotions weren’t a weakness. 

Because if this was what emotions led to? Being surrounded by his friends, full of love and fondness? Then it was all worth it. 


End file.
